Separation Anxiety and School Drop Off

Most every parent has experienced it at least once – the moment when their child cries and won’t let go of you when it comes time to go to school. It maybe they had an argument with a friend yesterday, maybe they have a test later that day, maybe they just didn’t sleep well and are struggling to manage because they’re tired… those occasional mornings where it’s a struggle is nothing you as a parent can’t handle.

But what if that happens every day?

When the behaviours and emotional displays become a regular occurrence, more likely than not, your child is experiencing separation anxiety, and this can be incredibly difficult as a parent to experience or manage.

Separation anxiety is the fear of being separated from a parent or carer. This is a normal part of your child’s early development. You see it as they start crawling and walking, they will roam further and further from you but often look back just to check in and make sure you’re still there.

As object permanence develops, there are less and less check ins as they become comfortable spending time playing by themselves out of your sight. By the time children reach preschool and school age, they will generally be comfortable leaving their parent or carer, particularly in situations with familiar environments and people.

It is also common that new situations or major life changes may cause that separation anxiety to reappear for a period of time. However, if your child experiences ongoing regular and significant anxiety upon separating from you, they (and you!) may need extra support.

Helpful tips to cope with separation anxiety:

• Consider your own emotions and behaviours – Young children learn from the things we do and say, even (maybe especially) when we don’t think they’re paying attention. Children are very quick to pick up on anxiety from caregivers, and your anxiety may be sending a message to your child that it is not safe if you leave them.
• Co-regulate – when children can’t manage their own emotions, it’s up to us to help them regulate. By staying in control of your emotions, you will be able to help them control their emotions until they learn to do it themselves.
• Always say goodbye – tempting as it is to sneak out when your child is occupied, this could result in an increase in your child’s anxiety. It may help when saying goodbye to remind them of the pickup plan and when you will see or talk to them next.
• Keep goodbyes brief - it could be helpful to talk to your child’s teacher and have a plan in place to distract your child with a fun or comforting activity while they settle after you have left.
• Don’t compare or criticise – comparing them to other children and criticising their actions will make your child feel worse which will only exacerbate their behaviours and emotions.
• Work with other families – sometimes it’s enough for your child to engage with another child, maybe in a carpool situation or having someone to sit next to on the bus or to play with before class.
• Create a routine – getting ready for the day is hard work, separation anxiety makes it harder, create a routine that includes a combination of fun and calming coping strategies like singing together, deep breathing, positive affirmations or gratitude conversations
• Try using a talisman – paint a small rock that goes in your child’s pocket that they can touch when they miss you during the day, draw a ‘love button’ on each other’s hands to connect you both through the day
• Consider using the ‘stepladder approach’ to managing anxiety (see “Raising Children Network” online resource)

If the anxiety is causing regular distress, or interfering with daily life, it may require some specialist support.  Get in touch with your child’s school and ask about speaking to the school counsellor.